It's hard to say good-bye....

I'll be honest. I woke up overcome with hope that they would get Elijah in this morning, and then we would all fly home tomorrow or Saturday.

So hopeful that Elijah didn't eat after midnight just in case.

At 8:30am, Ben got into a taxi and headed for the airport. It was so sad to see him drive away, but I still had hope.  Ben held off on "checking in" for his flight until 9:30am, just in case.

Finally at 9:40am, I got the call. They just couldn't get Elijah in today. He will be seen Monday.

Now believe me when I say I am so thankful for insurance approval, and so very thankful that Elijah will receive his chemo treatment on Monday (KILL the cancer, I say!!!!).

But I would be disingenuous if I did not admit to being heartbroken a bit. I have never missed one of my kids' birthdays. I have never been away from them for a holiday (like 4th of July.) I know there are plenty of people who would LOVE to be in New York on the 4th of July. But as I told Ben: there are six firecrackers that I want to see (aside from the one I'm with), and none of those six are in NY.

I have never been away from my children for this long.  A week??? Never.

So today, I will be reading through the verses, the thoughts, the prayers, and the support. I need it.  I trust that there is a reason for Elijah to be seen Monday instead of today. It may not be my preference or what I hoped for...

But as a handsome young 21 year old once told me long ago....

"I'm hopeful for things. But my hope is not in them."--Ben Hester 

I'm not necessarily lonely or anything. I have some good books and a place to stay, and an awesome health food store down the road. It's just that my heart is in two places at once...so it feels broken.

But I suppose the key to the brokenness is to feel it for what it is-it is true and right that my heart feel torn. But one day it won't be.  I can be hopeful for many, many things. So hopeful that I walk toward them and act in accordance with that hope (like not feeding Elijah, etc.). But when it is all said and done, my hope can't be in them. Not in an appointment time, or a holiday together as a family, or in it all working out according to my timetable. 

No. My hope must remain in Christ, because it is the only hope that does not disappoint.

"Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. 19This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. 20Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest..."

Hebrews 6:18b-20a