Ahh, Failure...

Sometimes, as a parent, you have these moments, where you actually start thinking that you might be doing something right.  I think it is gracious of God to give us these "complete failure" moments, just to make sure we really understand that nothing of value comes from us, except that which is completely from His Spirit of grace and truth.  If something good or true comes from our kids, it is most certainly God's doing (quite likely in spite of us!) and in His kindness He allows us as parents to be part of it.

Ben: Caleb, did you meet any new friends at Vacation Bible School?

Caleb:  No.

Me:  Did you sit by anyone new, or play with anyone new?

Caleb:  Well, no one really looked very cool.

WHAT!!???  (this is what I was thinking to myself)

Ben:  What do you mean?

Caleb:  Well, no one looked very cool.

Ben:  How do you know if someone looks cool?

Caleb:  Well, their clothes weren't cool looking.

And there it is.

Followed by much discussion, and a hopeful "let's try to be friends with EVERYONE tomorrow!" pep talk.  But yeah, we aren't quite sure where that all came from, but it was a good reminder.  For all of us.  And it was a good time for Ben and I to giggle, to examine our own hearts and attitudes, and to remember that these kids belong to the good God who created them, and He has good plans for them, and He is working His purposes in His timing, and yeah, there is always room for correction. =)

"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."  1 Samuel 16:7

Surprise Date

So, on Thursday, Ben's mom was kind enough to take off work and help watch the kids.  Ben, Ezra, and I headed out VERY early on Thursday morning to see the neurologist.  He was great.  He took a good page of notes on what I told him, making me think that he was actually listening!!!  He asked questions, did an exam, and then ordered an MRI.  They were able to get the insurance authorization and the appointment for the MRI that day.  YEAH!!  But, we had two hours to kill in Santa Barbara.  Ben and I (and Baby!!) headed to State Street.  We found an amazing little Cafe, where we enjoyed a wonderful breakfast.  We had such a great time together.  Then, on our way back for the MRI appointment, we passed by an open house and decided to check it out.  That was good fun as well.  Then on to the MRI, which (Long story short) showed a "left persistent artery", or a blood vessel that is pressing on the trigeminal nerve.  Which is good.  That ruled out the top two reasons  a person of my age would have trigeminal neuralgia: MS, or a tumor.  What does it mean?  Well, there are many questions unanswered.  It means we will have to take it one day at a time!!  It means I really can't be nursing baby anymore.  It means I can't be pregnant while on the medication.  It means I am on the medication indefinitely.  Beyond that, it just means that we trust God's grace to be sufficient for today, we REJOICE that I am not in pain anymore, and we rest in God's good plans for us!!!  Yeah God!!

The Birthday Boy

 

Unfortunately, momma wasn't feeling great on Caleb's birthday.  We managed a few small presents (a Spiderman watch!!) that he could open in the morning (with Grandma's help) and Daddy took him to get donuts for us all.  Other than that, I was still in a great deal of pain, so we didn't have the day that I had planned.  But we had a good day.  No cake.  But, I was able to manage some Transformer cupcakes on the fourth of July.  We spent the evening at a friend's house, which happens to back up to the local fireworks show.  It was a great time for the kids especially, and I had a dose of heavy narcotics to get me through.  Luckily, I started feeling much better the next day, I think.  More on that later.  But, we did celebrate our special five year old boy, and although it didn't go "according to plan", it was still a great day.  We are so thankful for our sweet Caleb, and what he brings to our family.  

Baby Knight

Update...

Okay, so the neurologist had said they wouldn't be able to get me in until next week, but they called back later and said they could get me in on Thursday morning.  The medicine has seemed to help a bit, and my pain is less intense and less frequent.  Not gone, but manageable for the most part.  Today my dosage was to increase.

Anyhow, today I saw the oral surgeon who took out the wisdom tooth.  He came in and said how he really didn't think trigeminal neuralgia was the correct diagnosis and didn't think I should have been put on the medication.  He said it was much more likely to be a tooth that was causing the pain.  (He didn't care to listen to me much...)  I was trying to explain how bad the pain was, and how both the dentist and endodontist couldn't find anything wrong with my teeth.  So, he pushed around on all my gums and near my teeth, and ran a Q-tip across my face, and just tried to check different things.  When he has done, he said that he did not think it was a tooth, and that he does think it is some type of neuralgia.  (I do not know how many kinds there are!!!)  But, I think he was just very surprised because it is quite rare for me to have this condition.  And, maybe it is not what they think anyway!  We are just trying to take one day at a time, trusting that God will bring the right answers and the right doctors in the right timing.  I have been very thankful for the relief I do have, and am looking forward to some more!!  I am back to functioning, so that is awesome!!!  I am taking the medication, and waiting to see what the neurologist will say.  It is hard to be patient, I am anxious to get in and see him and ask all of my questions, especially concerning nursing Ezra.  However, he seems to be enjoying his bottle of formula quite well, so we are doing okay there also.  Thank you all for your love and your prayers, they mean so much!!  

Anomaly

Definition: deviation from the common rule; something different, abnormal, peculiar, or not easily classified.

**Although parts of this post may seem a tad on the sarcastic side, you gotta know, it is all meant to be light hearted, okay?  We just gotta all laugh together.  =)

-a cold went through our house.  I got pneumonia.

-I threw out my back, picking up the same car seat I had picked up every day before that. 

-I had a root canal, and instead of the normal three roots, they found a fourth one.

-After having my wisdom teeth out, I got a "dry socket", which is a complication of the surgery.

-After all this dental work, they now suspect trigeminal neuralgia (this is a rare condition to begin with, but for a person of my age, it is EXTREMELY rare). (see my next post)

-And perhaps my personal favorite:  Last night, I placed my glasses on the coffee table (I was sleeping on the couch).  In the middle of the night, Ezra woke up, so I got up and moved the big down comforter.  In the morning, I couldn't find my glasses.  We looked everywhere, thinking that the comforter knocked them off the table.  We finally found them inside the duvet cover.  They got in through a small opening in the bottom.  

Seriously??  You just gotta laugh.  I told Ben, "I am an anomaly."  My mom said, "See, he knew ten years ago that you were one of a kind."

Sad Day...

Okay, I don't really consider myself a super-hippie, nurse until they are five type of mom.  But, I really do enjoy nursing, and I don't really care for that special time to be cut short!!!  But, at least for now, I am going to have to stop nursing Ezra.  I am pumping right now, to keep my milk in case that situation changes.  But, although it is very difficult for me to stop nursing, I do have three other kiddos to think about, and I have been in so much pain, that I really do need to find a way to get some relief, otherwise, I won't be any good to anyone!!

Yesterday, we went to the ER at Cottage Hospital.  We were able to see the ER doctor.  In the midst of one of my "episodes" of pain, he asked if I wanted a shot for the pain, at which point I am thinking, "YES!!! Wait, does that mean I can't nurse baby??"  A million things were running through my head, but I was in so much pain, so I decided to say yes.  The doctor and the nurses left and came back... oh, about 20 or so minutes later.  Which, is okay, because the episodes of pain last only a few minutes, and then I am okay until the next one.  By this time, I was out of pain, and didn't really want to be given any medicine.  When the doctor came back, he said he had consulted with a neurologist, and they suspect that it is a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia.  They have prescribed some anti-convulsant medication, which should hopefully help with the pain, and a strong narcotic to make it through the weekend.  I am to call the neurologist on Monday, and hopefully get in to see him.  I can see God working so mightily, and so graciously, and was so excited to see that the neurologist that was consulted "just happened" (wink, wink) to be a provider on our insurance.  I am doing my best to get by without taking the narcotics, however, these bouts of pain are incredibly painful, and nighttime usually brings the worst of it for me.  I would appreciate your prayers on our behalf, as I have not been of much use to my family with all the pain.  We are so thankful for all the help of our family and friends, for your prayers.  We are hopeful that we will have some answers, and hopefully some relief soon!  And although I am sad to not be nursing Ezra, he is taking it like a champ, and seems to be quite happy eating lots of food.  I am still deciding just what we will do with him....

Love and obedience

The kids were with Aunt Kelly yesterday, and with Grandma the day before while Mommy was at the dentist.  I was hoping to already be "fixed."  But I wanted to write this down before I forgot.

When I left the kids, I gave the, "Please be obedient..." speech.  Caleb answered both times, "Of course, we will obey because we love (Grandma/ Kelly)!"

Very sweet.  Although it got me thinking that perhaps I should remind him of that, since I think it's a little harder to obey mamma.  =)

And such a good reminder for mamma...

"If you love me, you will obey what I command."  John 14:15

I will say, these last few months of mouth pain have certainly increased my sympathy for teething little people, as well as reminding me how hard it is to be kind and loving when you are in a lot of pain!!

Caleb's Birthday

Today is my sweet boy's birthday.  I have still been in a good amount of pain, so I will have to post pictures and all when I am feeling a little bit better.  Just wanted to say that today my boy is five.  He is so sweet.  He is loving his Spiderman watch, running around declaring the time frequently.  He and Emma have been playing "Connect 4" and army men, and just enjoying a relaxing day.  I had purposed for school work,  and a castle cake, and some other things.  But instead, I think we will just be laying low and being thankful for our family.  

Thank you God for Caleb Paul.

A First

Yesterday was a first for me.  It was the first time I have ever been under general anesthesia (as far as I know!!).  It was the first time I have had a surgery of any kind (as far as I know!!).  Anyway, I have been through about three months of some intense mouth pain, and $3500 worth of dental work.  After a root canal and some crowns, I was still in really terrible amounts of pain.  Upon seeing the dentist again, they couldn't figure out exactly what was wrong.  They sent me to the endodontist, who also could not determine the problem, but said that it could possibly be a wisdom tooth that has partially come through on one side, and that it needed to be removed.  The oral surgeon at my dental office couldn't see me until next week, and with the amount of pain I was in, I was not going to make it a week.  I went into the dentist, who said he could remove the tooth, but it would be under local anesthesia and "messy."  He said it was a difficult extraction, with the tooth being so close to a nerve canal.  So, they called around, and were able to find an oral surgeon who could see me in Santa Barbara.  When I got there, they said that they could remove the tooth, but only do local anesthesia.  This made me nervous but at the same time, I really, really needed some relief from the pain, so I was willing!!  Then, he checked a couple of things: 1. Was there someone to drive me home?  YES!!  and 2.  Had I eaten anything? NO!! (Dental pain is a great diet plan.)  So, they could put me "out" and get to work.  I will say that it went remarkably well in that I didn't feel anything, and I woke up and it was over.  The bummer is that I am still experiencing quite a bit of the same pain, so I am not sure that tooth was the culprit....???  But we will wait and see what happens.

I normally watch my nieces every other Tuesday, while my sister-in-law cleans a house.  Well, her and her cleaning buddy Cristin came to my rescue and watched my kids so I could have mouth surgery!!! You girls are awesome.  My sister-in-law was even so brave as to drive around the "Beast" (our big Suburban) so she could fit three of mine and two of her own!!!  Thanks Kelly, you are so kind to me.  And, it worked out so that my mom could drive Ezra and me to the appointment and keep an eye on me.  Thanks Mom.  You all have taken good care of me.  Now, if we could just get rid of this pain!!!  =)

Lake Lopez

My sweet husband decided that we needed to get away and relax. Well... we got away anyway. =) We went camping for a couple of nights at Lake Lopez, and we did indeed have a good time and made some great memories. I will say though, that camping with 4 kids age 6 and under, especially when one of them is potty training, is quite a bit of work. So, not much in the way of relaxing happened, but that is okay.
It was beautiful! Caleb got to go fishing with Daddy a few times (Emma went once but decided it was "boring"), and we did enjoy some not-so-normal cuisine, which can be fun as well. Here was our menu for the weekend, which is somewhat mortifying, but hey, we were camping:

Dinner: (We had other intentions, but the camp store was closed, so we couldn't get any firewood, so no fire. Instead of the 20 minute drive out to food, we just made due with snacks.)
Breadsticks dipped in fake cheese (you know, those little snack things you can buy??), tuna on crackers, and Kashi oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies.
Breakfast: Donuts and Capri-sun
Lunch: We went out to lunch at Chili's, so that I could make a run to Wal-Mart for firewood, etc., and to Trader Joe's for some food.
I had soup and salad, Ben had a shrimp and bacon quesadilla, Emma had chicken strips, Noah had a quesadilla, and Caleb had a cheeseburger. Wow.
Dinner: Hot Dogs and Cup-O-Noodles. Seriously. And smores.
Breakfast: Carrot Muffins, Applesauce, and a Nectarine. Thank you, Trader Joe's. This was quite possibly the healthiest meal of the trip.
Lunch: We were headed home and stopped at a steakhouse, which I cannot remember the name of. It was so good. I had tri-tip that was like butter, and shared my garlic mashed potatoes with Ezra. Emma had chicken, I think, and Caleb had ribs. Go figure. Oh, and Ben had a bison burger. Evidently, it is very lean protein.

There was a great playground, and we brought bikes for the kiddos. Good times.

Helping Daddy set up, Snacks for dinner at the picnic table.

Ben eating dinner, the beautiful deer (we saw wild turkeys too!!)

Emma on the log, Noah in the tent


Caleb bringing in the fishing poles, Ezra loving the swing!
We even got to see Great Grandpa Fowler, and watch him clean some fish!!

"I sure hope you are babysitting!!"

This is what the um, older lady said to me as we walked by in Target today.
"I hope those aren't all YOURS!!"

(Now, those words came at a great time, actually. I was severely distracted by trying to push the stroller with Caleb and Noah "helping", and also trying to "guide" the cart that Emma was pushing.)

Huh? What? Oh, yes, someone is speaking to me. Smile.
"Oh yes, they are all mine."

So proud of himself...

He loves to stand up in his crib, and listen as we do our schoolwork.  Oh, yeah, we moved our "school stuff" into Emma's old room, along with Ezra's crib.  Which has proved helpful in some ways (he can play and listen while we work), and challenging in others (if he wakes up to nurse at 4am, and goes back to sleep and is still asleep at 9am, I guess that means no school!!)  =)

Sad Lesson...

So, Ben brought home a SURPRISE!!! for the kids.  A co-worker was getting rid of a small fish tank, with two beta fish.   There is a divider, to keep them away from each other, but on one occasion, one of the fish had made its way over and sort of "beat up" on the other fish.  Everyone was okay, but when Ben brought the fish home, I think we both noticed that the poor fish that took the beating looked a little defeated.  But, this fish had lots of pink in color, so that was to be Emma's fish.  She named it "Rainbow."  Caleb named the other fish "Sparkle."

The kids were so excited, helping Daddy clean out the tank, waiting for the water to warm up to the same temperature as the water they had been in, etc.  Rainbow seemed to be doing okay, although not a very active fish.  Just kind of "hanging out."

Well... on Saturday morning, Rainbow just wasn't moving at all.  The color had left and there was a paleness... Rainbow had died.  This was very hard for Emma.  Even with the reassurance of another fish, she cried desperately, "But I want Rainbow!!"  When Ben was flushing Rainbow, he was telling the kids that the fish would go through the pipes and out into the ocean (or something to that effect, I missed the whole conversation).  Emma was just so sad.  I sat, rocking with her, explaining that this is not how God intended it to be.  When God made this world, His intention was for life, not death.  But, we chose sin.  And ever since that time, death is a part of this life.  Even the most beautiful parts of creation are dying.  And while it is so sad, and so overwhelming at times... it is also the framework for the beautiful picture of redemption.  Death is not the end of the story!!  Our great Hero, Jesus, has redeemed us and triumphed over this enemy of death!!  Now, what does this mean for Rainbow?  I don't know.  (I had to be honest with the kid... I just don't know.  I did tell her, that while the Bible does make mention of animals in regards to heaven, I am just not sure if that includes Rainbow.)  It did make for some very interesting conversation, however.

Anyway, at church on Sunday, they had little "Prayer Request" cards in the bulletin.  Caleb was asking about it, and I saw Ben explaining it to him at the other end of the pew.  Then, I saw Caleb writing away... When he was done, Ben showed it to me:

"Dear God, please keep Rainbow safe out in the ocean."

So sweet.  Not sure he really understood that Rainbow was DEAD out there in the "ocean", but still, very sweet.