We make our plans.....

But the Lord determines our steps.

This has always been one of our verses as a family.  A large family often means our plans change at the last minute.  

The last few weeks have just been.....full. It just goes to show the nature of our life when almost daily, our 3 year old asks if we have an appointment.

Between the allergist and testing for Caleb, as well as the endodontist and periodontist, the orthodontist for the 3 bigger ones, the dermatologist (2 more skin biopsies this week for me, and one is possibly infected), the neurologist next week for my migraines, and that's not even counting all of Elijah's doctors and appointments!!!

All this to say, I had planned to make a grocery list and go shopping so that we wouldn't have to worry about groceries this weekend.

But instead, I needed to take Judah to the ER.  Even Dermabond couldn't handle this one.  It was deep and gnarly.  The subcutaneous stitches weren't holding how they wanted, so they just did the outside stitches. Judah was a champ, and after a tetanus shot, we set about getting some treats for a quiet afternoon at home.

I'm tired. But today, I'm choosing thankfulness.  Thank you Lord, for really awesome doctors at the ER today. Thank you for the numbing medicine that made stitches on a 5 year old possible. Thank you that the injury wasn't much worse.  Thank you for an amazing daughter who didn't complain a bit about babysitting while I was at the hospital.  Thank you for each and every one of these kids. Thank you for the story of Halfway Herbert, which we read while we waited, which reminded us of how God wants us to love him with our whole heart.  And thank you for some special time with Judah today.  Thank you that even when things don't go according to "plan", You are right there with us.

Braces off!!!

Sweet Noah got his braces off!!! He got a bunch of goodies including microwaveable popcorn. Too bad our microwave is broken.... ;-P 

Loved...

At Judah's co-op class, they were working on a craft to give to their moms on Mother's Day.  His teacher came and told me this funny story.

She asked him what he was going to do for me for Mother's Day.  Judah responds with, "Huh?"  She explains that Mother's Day was coming up on the Sunday following our co-op.

Judah asks, "Is it EVERY Sunday??"

His teacher tells him no, just once a year, and it was this coming Sunday.

He responds, "I don't think my mom knows about that."

As I was cleaning up the counter this morning, I found the card Judah had made for me (but didn't give me because he couldn't find it) :

I love her because: because she loves me.

Oh.  My.  Heart. 

I may feel like, in this crazy season, I am getting a lot of things wrong. My husband is doing more dishes than either of us would like (and that's with the paper plates!!).  I end most of my days, having accomplished less than half of what I planned or desired.

But my five year old understands something so beautiful and profound.  He loves me because I loved him first.  And I love him because God loved me first.

I spent most of Mother's Day in bed with a gnarly headache. I did get some snuggles. :). And my lovely daughter let me borrow her skirt and her boots. :-). This picture of me with all these amazing people that I love SO much, just reminds me of how God is always the Initiator. He loved me first. It is how I know what love is.

"In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

1 John 4:10

Don't listen to them, Birthday Girl....

My darling Emma Faith,

     I remember 13 years ago, being so naive and unaware of what this whole "mothering" thing was all about. Oh, I wanted to be a mother so badly. And I was full of so many ideals, but very little practical wisdom on how to be a mom.

     When you came into this world, I was changed forever.  Your tiny, 6lbs and 1 oz. brought a force to be reckoned with as I was almost instantly aware of love that my heart could barely contain, and an awareness that I was not nearly well enough equipped for the task ahead of me.  The selfish entrapping of my heart was slowly ripped away, one feeding, one nighttime screaming session, one bath time, one bedtime story and prayer and song at a time. 

     Fast forward 13 years!!!! How did this happen?  You yourself have heard so many people who when you were 12, would say, "Oh, just you wait until next year!"  You have asked me about this, wondering why everyone seems to equate being a teenager with rebellion.  You were with me when one woman, so insistent upon the trouble that lie ahead for me and the "teen years", that I answered her quiet and steady, "I am not afraid of our future."

     And I'm not!  Emma Faith, don't listen to them.  They don't know you! They haven't watched as compassion and sympathy so deep and beautiful has blossomed in your heart.  

(When you were 10 years old, and so excited to finally get a sister!!!)

     I remember being at the County Fair one year, and as I was pushing around a double stroller, my back started bothering me.  I never said anything, but I must have winced at the pain. You caught a glimpse of my face, and as we moved along, you came and put your arm around my waist. You told me, "I'll push for a while."  You looked at me with such compassion and grace....far beyond your years.

     You are extraordinary.  You are brilliant, relational, beautiful, and your tender heart is such a treasure.  I cannot take credit for any of it.  Oh, I may have planted seeds, and prayed and watered, as was my privilege, but it was God who gave the growth. Every bit of the beautiful woman you are becoming is God's precious grace poured out upon me.

     Oh, I know we will have difficult conversations ahead, as we have behind us.  I know there will be moments when emotions get the better of one or both of us at any given moment.  There will be times when we don't get along as smoothly as we normally do.  But by God's grace, we will always find our way back to communicating lovingly and submitting to one another out of reference for Christ.  And forgiving each other when we don't. :-)

     And so, my dear. Don't listen to the world that tells you that turning 13 is entering into a world of strife and difficulty at every turn.  There will be hard times ahead in this life. There will be moments where you aren't sure which way to go.  There will be times when you want more freedom then we will allow.  But at the end of it all, you are one of my favorite people in this entire world.  I love being with you.  I love your stories, your dancing and singing heart, and I love how God is at work in you. And we both have His promise that what He has begun in you, He will carry it on to completion until the day Jesus returns.

     So, keep on being you. My prayer is that you would know how deeply your Father in heaven loves you, and how much your family loves you.  I pray that you would never doubt that I am your biggest fan--even when we don't see things exactly the same.  I pray that you would continue to dance and sing and live a life of worship before the Lord. I pray that you would continue to see the world with such compassion and sympathy.  I pray blessing upon overflowing blessing upon you because that is what you are to us.

     Happy 13th birthday, my beautiful teenager.

All my love,

Mom

(In Central Park)

Home Sweet Home

Well. I was able to switch my flight after all! So I flew home Wednesday, and hit the ground running. Ben was back at work, there was grocery shopping to be done, and life just keeps going. By God's grace, even with the fastest turn around I've ever done....I am doing okay! I was able to get some stuff done. Everyone who is praying and thinking of us: THANK YOU. There is NO way I should even be functioning right now. And yet, it has really, truly been wonderful. I'm so thankful for the good news of this last trip, I'm looking forward to five weeks with the kids before I return, and I'm doing my best to soak up every second with them. 

Now. After a wonderful day, I'm ready to close my eyes, and admit that I am a mere human in need of rest, in the hands of the God who does not sleep or slumber.

A Giant Leap for today....

Elijah did great last night! He went to bed around 10pm, got up at 1:45am to nurse, and then slept until about 4:45am. We decided to go ahead and get up and start walking. :-)

We walked the streets of NY until we could head to the hospital.  

Elijah had been waking up at night, screaming and thrashing. He was pretty inconsolable.  I finally mentioned it to his nurse, so she had me meet with the anesthesiologist before Elijah's exam. We agreed to try a new "cocktail" and see if it helps him.

The last visit, they had told us to plan on doing two rounds of Intra-arterial chemotherapy.  When the doc came in he said that his tumor from last time was gone!!!! (Now, that means they can't measure it....there could still be live cells, but only time will tell.). Because of the great response, they gave us the option of doing another round of IAC, or doing nothing.  The doctor did explain that we've done this before-one round of IAC, then ended up having to laser most months until finally coming back to IAC.  He said that we don't usually get away with just one round....which is what we have done this time.  But when I asked him what he would do, he said, "I'd probably do nothing."

So with joy, Ben and I have decided on no treatment this time.  We will wait and see, knowing that there is a good chance there could be regrowth in the future.  And, if we get to this point again, we will be committing to at least two rounds of IAC.  But I just felt strongly that his little system could use a break, and since the tumor *seems* to have died, then I feel comfortable waiting and seeing what happens.  

We come back in 6 weeks!!!! I'm freaking out! This is awesome!

AND! He woke up from anesthesia so much better this time!!!  We will see if it helps with the night terrors, but I am so thankful!!!!! :-)

We made it!!!!

I'll admit, I was a little nervous about a nonstop flight, because....what if that meant nonstop crying for 5 and a half hours????

And, it had some moments.  :-). But overall I consider it a fantastic success and I LOVED the nonstop flight. We even landed almost an hour early. So it was very similar to one leg of our normal flight, only I didn't have to do the whole thing all over again!

A longer drive into Manhattan from Newark--but Elijah seems to do better in the car than the plane. And what a treat to get to the RMH before 3pm!!!!

Thank you everyone, for praying!!! We are so thankful and so hungry! Time for a "snack." :-)

Waiting to board....

Here is Mr. Grumpy, enjoying some yummy bran muffin while we wait to board our flight.

This is our first time flying a direct flight into Newark. 

Although he looks pretty happy in the picture, he's already been quite the handful and we haven't even boarded the plane.  Thank you to everyone who is praying for us!!!!! 

Psalm 8

https://soundcloud.com/user-450515923/psalm-8-at-ccsb-the-well

This is the audio from when I recently taught on Psalm 8. It requires a free account with soundcloud, but was the best way to upload such a *large* file.

If you're watching "The Truth About Cancer"....

Well, you might be mad at me for this post.  But it is just the opinion of a momma with a baby with cancer.

I think everyone can agree that cancer is a ruthless, vicious enemy.  And while we all long for a cure for this beast....I have a few issues with the documentary series.

1.  Not all cancers are the same.  So, to lump them all into one boat about "cures" is irresponsible at best.  (I do know that the series will differentiate at some points, but it frequently lumps all cancers together.) There is a big, and I mean HUGE difference between basil cell carcinoma and melanoma.  There is a big difference between pancreatic cancer and breast cancer.  There's a big difference between stage one and stage four.  And don't even get me started on the difference between childhood cancer and adult cancer.

These differences are really important to keep in mind when you are looking at treatments.

2. It is unkind and unfair to lump all doctors into the same category.  Or to lump all conventional treatments into a boat and call it "Big Pharma."  Trust me.  Not only do I personally hate to take medicine of any kind, I will be the first in line to advocate that we need better treatments that are less toxic.  But there is a danger on the line just as great, if not greater, than the poisonous, toxic treatments available.  And that danger is forgetting the enemy we are facing. Denying its dangerous and destructive power.  There is not a mom (whose child has cancer) in the world who doesn't wish that we could downplay the strength of this destroyer, and pacify its verocity with herbs, plants and green juice.  And we all still try them, believe me!!!!!  I have been amazed at the lengths these mommas will go to for their children with cancer. These moms and dads are some of the most educated people on the planet.

And it's not like we aren't aware of the toxicity of the treatments.

But the statement made in episode 2: "Cancer doesn't kill people, the treatments do."

Not only is this an outright lie, but I can only tread lightly as I say that I have seen the scans of a toddler's brain being overtaken by cancer.

But once again here, this is where the difference between childhood cancer and adult cancer has great impact.

Cancer does kill people. This is a fact that we parents of children with cancer can never forget.  And while treatments are toxic and terrible, I can only say for myself that without surgery and chemotherapy, my little boy wouldn't still be here, and he wouldn't be able to see.

And while I am not naive to industry and doctors who are all about money or are quick to prescribe medicine....let me just defend every doctor that has been part of Elijah's care from day one.  They haven't done everything right, they haven't always been on the same page with me...but NOT ONE of them wanted Elijah to have chemo.  They all exhausted every other option first.  No oncologist ever used "scare tactics" on me to try and get us to choose chemotherapy for Elijah. 

So, while the documentary series compares chemotherapy treatment for cancer to "sending in NAPALM to take care of an ant problem"....I have an issue with comparing my child's cancer to an ant problem. This isn't ants we are talking about people.  We have to remember the enemy we are fighting.

I'll leave it at that for now.  I do want to say that I believe there is some good information represented in the series.  I wish that it had been presented differently-with more respect to the doctors who are fighting diligently and searching tirelessly for less toxic treatments. I believe there is a way to advocate natural methods without discrediting the work of so many doctors.  (Calling them uneducated because they don't know "chemotherapy is a huge fraud."). 

I believe that we are to do everything possible to steward our bodies the best that we can.  But I also know that Elijah doesn't have cancer because of his diet, his environment, or because of "treatments" he had gone through.  He has cancer because his genes told his body to reproduce cells uncontrollably with a mutation. And that genetic mutation was lovingly sifted through the hand of my Good God.

And so.  I'm not saying you shouldn't watch The Truth About Cancer.  In fact, I'm watching it. But I'll watch it the same way I would anything of this nature-pen and paper in hand, noting doctors names, hospitals and treatments mentioned, reports cited, etc. And then I pray and research and pray and research some more.  

I'll close this by agreeing with the series:

"We must be educated."

Yes. Amen. 

But that also means you can't just take the word of a guy who has begun with his conclusion in mind.  

And I'll agree with him one more time:

"There are true answers for cancer."

Yes. There are. And every answer begins and ends with Jesus.  There are wonderful things that we can and should do for our bodies to prevent disease.  But there will also be times when you aren't able to prevent it. Like when your baby is born with cancer.  And even then, Jesus is still the answer, and He is still working towards that glorious end when He will make all the wrong things right.

3 year old girl....

Dear Evelyn Hope,

   Oh, my sweet baby girl. There are so many ways in which you have changed me forever.  I was on bed rest almost my entire pregnancy with you.  I think in some ways, it made me appreciate you so much more because I felt like I had to "fight" for your life. And the only way I could fight for your life was by resting and trusting in God.

  Wow. I sure did need that lesson! :-)

     You are so much fun. You are petite, and for the longest time, I didn't think your feet would ever grow.  But they did. Your slender, elegant feet fit beautifully in your ballet slippers.  When we went to see The Nutcracker Ballet at Christmastime, it opened up a world of love in your heart.  I absolutely love watching you dance. You are so fortunate to have an older sister. Someone who has gone before you, who knows more about the hardships of this life....but still dances beautifully.

    You play hard with your brothers too:

     You are very serious about doing your "schoolwork", although you already know your letters and can count...I don't know, at least to 30 but you sometimes leave out one of the teens. :-)

     You are a warrior princess.  I pray that by God's leading, you will learn what battles to fight, and what ones to let go of.  If you find that you are fighting primarily for your own gain, then it is time to rethink the battle. If, however, you find yourself fighting for what is right and true, if you find yourself fighting to keep light and beauty in the world, to take care of those who are not able to stand up for themselves at the time....well then, that is a battle worth fighting.  Not only do I pray that you would learn which battles to fight, but I also pray that you would learn how to fight.  We live in a world that is captivated by light sabers and other weapons.  But this world knows little about the most powerful weapons: the Word of God, held up strong and steady through prayer.  A momma, sister, friend, wife-warrior learns that our struggle is not against flesh and blood. Many times we are so angry and frustrated with a face in front of us.  But be very careful.  While people can be very difficult and frustrating.....there is always more going on than we can see. Behind a hard face and a hard heart is often more pain than we can imagine, and it requires compassion and empathy in order to navigate those relationships gracefully.

     I guess my encouragement for you, my sweet and spicy 3 year old is this:  keep fighting, and keep dancing.  This life is filled with a symphony of songs: some upbeat that will have you whirling and twirling through the most amazing moments you couldn't dare to dream of. And sometimes there will be slow and sorrowful tunes that you didn't expect and don't feel like dancing to anymore.  

     But the secret to the "fight" and to the "dance" is really one and the same: 

Rest in Christ.

Trust in Christ.

     Be looking for the faithful ones who have gone ahead of you. They have danced to songs you haven't heard yet, but they will help you along and teach you some new moves.

     There is no song that will come that Christ has not heard- and yet He turned each note, each melody into an offering of worship to the Father.  If you dance with Jesus, you will please the Father, because the Father is forever pleased with His Son.  As I have clung to Christ, feeling as if I am tossed here and there by the music, I find that He is the best partner.  He never, ever lets go of me.  And He won't let go of you either.

     I love you baby girl.

Your happy birthday train ride at the zoo.

The animal you chose: the scarlet macaw.

Happy birthday, my beautiful ballerina.

With love,

Mommy

Still in shock....

Yesterday was Elijah's blood draw to check his counts since chemo.  They had already warned me that since testing positive for the flu, it could take longer for his counts to recover-so we were even prepared to have his next appointment postponed.  

To give you an idea....an absolute neutrophil count below 1,000 is considered neutropenic. It is more difficult to fight infection when numbers fall below 1,000.  Below 500, and you are at risk for infection just by the normal bacteria that exists in your mouth and gut.

Last time Elijah had intra-arterial chemo, his 10 day counts were below 650.  And a week later, they had dropped below 550.  Just when we were considering shots to help his counts recover, they went up to 900, close enough to 1,000 for him to have his next exam under anesthesia.

So this time, we were prepared for worse. When his counts are low like that, a fever would mean 2 days in the hospital.

Well. After a little bit of confusion on his results....his absolute neutrophil count came back at 2,800.  This is UNREAL.  So crazy that I emailed all of his doctors to make sure this was even possible!!!!

Thank you all for praying! We are just rejoicing in this amazing blessing!!!! :-)

Elijah is pretty stoked on this news. :-)

Late night...

Elijah still hasn't had much of an appetite since his Intra-arterial chemo procedure on Thursday.

I finally went yesterday and got some things to juice for him:

But by the evening, he was running a fever so we were instructed to take him to the ER.  That is one of the frustrating things about Elijah's situation--he has amazing doctor's on both sides of the country, but in a situation like this-is this an issue for the pediatrician? The oncologist?  Elijah is sort of in no man's land.  After calling CHLA, the on call oncologist felt that we should take him to the ER in Ventura.  Since Elijah is seen by a CHLA doctor here in Ventura for blood draws after chemo, we also spoke with him. 

    Now the big question: had Elijah's counts already dropped? Or was he just sick??  

     They took great care of us at the hospital, knowing that Elijah could be immuno-compromised.  We did the various pokes and tests which are so hard on such a strong guy.  He got some IV fluids, but in general, just wanted momma to hold him.

     At the end of it all, we were discharged with good news and bad news.  The good news is that at this point, his white counts look pretty good. (We don't know what they will do from here, but right now we are good shape.). The bad news is that he tested positive for the flu.  Not really a great time to have the flu, since his counts may or may not stay strong.  But the doc will prescribe something to help him recover more quickly from the flu. Hopefully we can get him eating and feeling better soon.

Pressure....

I love the different means that God uses to speak to our hearts.  Since Ben and I ended up staying longer here at RMH, they had an activity going on that we were able to participate in--a half hour massage of the shoulders and back. Perfect timing since tomorrow will be a long day on a plane, carrying a feisty baby. :-)

As we got started, this kind woman began and I realized quickly that when her shirt indicated she was from the Swedish Massage Institute, she was not kidding. :-). The pressure was very firm.  But it was, at the exact same time, gentle.  There were areas that as she pressed in, I knew it would hurt.  But it wouldn't break me.

Right away, I felt the Father speaking to me.  He was telling me that as the Potter, HE shapes the clay. There are places where he "digs in", areas that need more attention, because there is damage and tension that needs to be worked out in order for me to be useful and effective.  There are places and times where I feel the pressure. And it hurts. But it is the years of His tenderness towards me that remind me of His gentleness. He won't break me.

Wednesday night, I felt like I might break. Being away from the kids, knowing Elijah had chemo the next morning, and some difficult moments of communication between Ben and I, were compounded by the worst migraine I have ever had.  Not only was I nauseous in the dark, awake most of the night, but the pain got so bad that I just laid there, crying for an hour or so, before I was able to get in the shower.

All this to say, during those moments of such extreme pressure, I thought I might break.  It was hard to see clearly what the point was to all this while I was in so. much. pain. 

But here I am. Still standing. Still breathing.  When the pressure got that high, the Potter sent others to pray for me (one of course, being my husband, who cried out to the Lord and prayed over me!!).  And a good friend of mine had JUST, that very same day, been sharing with me how in her migraine pain, she used the time to pray. And so I prayed my tail off for everyone I could think of.

I just want to clarify that this isn't supposed to be a testimony to my strength.  It would be a poor one, since I found very little strength in myself at all.  It's more a rambling on the fact that I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I have felt like that a lot this year.

And yet, I'm still here.  And even more than that, we had a really nice day today!!!  It wasn't even just a "getting by" day.  I guess the discovery, and what I hope to communicate is that, God is GENTLE.  He alone knows the pressure we can take (please do not read that sentence as "God never gives us more than we can handle". You ALL know how I feel about that one!). I would have shut it off long ago. But then, it wouldn't have finished its work-conforming me into the image of Jesus.  And I want that.  Even if it takes more pressure to accomplish it.

"Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel.  And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to mark.

'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?' says the Lord. 'Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.'"

Jeremiah 18:3-4, 6

"For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son..."  Romans 8:29

Resting

Well, Elijah came out of surgery and everything went well.  He does not come out of anesthesia very well, and knowing that he has to lay still on his back for 5 hours in recovery, they will often give the kids some sedation so they will rest.

As soon as we wheeled Elijah up to his recovery area, he went nuts! It took about four of us to hold him down and he kept kicking the brace off of his leg.

As we were holding him down, the nurse looks up at the anesthesiologist and asks, "Didn't you give him anything??"

He replied, "Yes. Lots."

Whatever they gave him was no match for Elijah! I climbed into a bed with him and nursed him. That calmed him down for about 15 min. The nurse brought a DVD player with Elmo videos. That worked for about 7 minutes. I was able to hold him and got him to sleep. He laid on me for about an hour. Finally, we tried the stroller, which really helped. We could gently rock him back and forth as long as we didn't go too far (since he was still hooked up to machines), and we had to keep him flat.

He is already having some more side effects than last time. He has thrown up a couple of times and doesn't seem to have an appetite. We've given him the first of his three medications-this one is anti-nausea medicine. He didn't need it last time, but he was so young then, and was only breastfed.  So. We are very thankful that when we moved our flight, I requested a day for recovery. I think he will need it.

We plan to lay low and take good care of Elijah and then we will be anxious to return to the rest of our crew.

Waiting...

Elijah got all changed into his gown and they took him back for surgery.  More waiting. :-)

Prayers answered!!!!

Honestly, I was feeing very doubtful about our insurance company approving Elijah's chemo procedure in time for us to have it this week. It just felt so familiar....I could remember fighting this battle last time and getting delayed.

Well! We just got the phone call that Elijah is approved and scheduled for tomorrow morning. He is the youngest patient for tomorrow, so he will be seen at 6:30am.

So thankful!!!!

Warming up....(from Elijah's exam)

At times, it can get so cold that you start to lose feeling in your fingers and toes.  There can be a similar feeling sometimes, when you're sitting in a doctor's office making decisions about cancer treatment.

Not that you lose feeling altogether-but for a moment, you're not quite as sensitive.  You have to be rational and think about things like numbers and percentages.  You have to weigh options and consider outcomes.  You have to take in lots of information, and then cry out to God for wisdom to make the right decisions.

Today, we sat in the doctor's office and learned that this tumor in Elijah's central field of vision is strong and stubborn. It has survived the first chemo treatment, as well as laser treatments including those with the dye.  It is not a large tumor. In fact, they would not normally use intra-arterial chemo to treat it. They would normally blast this tumor to its death with laser treatment.  Except in cases like Elijah's.  This tumor is within approximately 50 cells of his central field of vision.  Meaning, it's like a dot on a paper away from growing into his central field of vision.  If that were to happen, he would lose vision that he could never regain.

    Unfortunately, treating with laser-while helping to keep this tumor from growing as rapidly as it probably would, is not gaining us the ground we need.

    Elijah was supposed to have intra-arterial chemo tomorrow.  Our insurance did not approve the procedure in time for him to be scheduled tomorrow.  We are expecting him to be scheduled for Thursday (as long as insurance approves in time), which would delay our return home a few days.

So, we wait.

The RMH was all out of cribs, which made for a rough night last night. Especially given the delay, we went ahead and bought a pack and play so that hopefully Elijah will be able to sleep some in the next few days. :)

I'm really glad Ben was able to be here with me as we had to make some decisions. I feel like we were united and both heard the same things and felt the next step to be pretty clear.

We don't know yet if Ben will return as planned, or stay with me through Elijah's treatment.

But now that the decision making on his treatment is over, we can begin to "feel" and process it all as we move forward in the days to come.

Thank you for praying!

We stopped at a beautiful cathedral, which was so good for my soul today:

And the park, while sort of cold and windy, is absolutely gorgeous in the spring:

Bumps in the road....

Well! We were still working out details of childcare until yesterday evening, but by God's grace, we *think* it is figured out. Ben, Elijah, and I left early this morning to head for the airport.  We got out to wait for the shuttle just after the rain slowed down.  The shuttle had to go past our terminal because of construction. I was dreading the long lines, only to find that we walked right up to the counter.  We got through security, got to our terminal, and were *shocked* to find that we were sharing our flight with friends who love Jesus and are living life in surrender to Him.  It was such a fun encouragement, especially since we have NEVER had a flight via Nashville.

We changed planes and the second flight was a little better for Elijah, but I found myself more sick than I have ever been on a flight-just due to motion sickness.  Probably not eating much all day did not help the situation.  The cab ride also did not agree with me, and I looked over at Ben, who by this time, was also feeling pretty queezy.  We did, however, make it to the RMH, and then headed out to get some food.

Elijah is so smart-he was trying to put the straw into his water cup.

The sky was beautiful and mysterious with light colored clouds floating against the dark sky.

We found out that Judah is sick at home, and so our hearts are torn.

As I got to the room, feeling so sick from the plane ride, and feeling horrible for Judah (and my mom who is caring for him), I told Ben, "It's times like these when I wonder why we are even doing all this!!!!"

And Ben-even though he understands how I was feeling in the moment sweetly reminded me: "It's all worth it."

Yes. There are twists and turns and bumps in the road, but it's all worth it.

Early tomorrow morning we will be at the hospital for Elijah's exam under anesthesia.

One Year....

There are moments that change everything.  One of those moments for our family, was when the doctor told us that our youngest of seven children had cancer.

Just over a year ago, we began this crazy journey.  There have been so many adventures, so many people we have met, so many ways in which we have seen God come through.

There have been some hard and dark moments too.  Times when nothing was "working out", times we felt alone, and times where we felt like we didn't have what we needed when we needed it.

God's kindnesses are everywhere.

One of those kindnesses is in having what many would call Elijah's "cancerversary" (or, the annual date of his diagnosis) come just before Easter.

To the group of rough-around-the-edges men who had given up their lives to follow Jesus, things looked pretty dark in the days between the cross and the resurrection.  They had left everything. And now they felt as though they had lost everything.  The hope of Jesus Christ restoring the "kingdom" to Israel had been lost.

And so it is, that some days feel like the day of the crucifixion.  We see our hopes fading until they are laid to rest in a quiet tomb.

"This isn't how it was supposed to go!", we cry.

The crucifixion was the death of hope for so many.  And following Christ hasn't changed that-it feels many times like we see hopes and dreams die.  I have had hope rise in my heart so many times, only to be met with disappointment:

Maybe Elijah won't have the genetic mutation.

Maybe he will have perfect vision in the other eye.

Maybe we will have childcare and the details of my trip worked out before the day I get on a plane.

Those three days between the cross and the resurrection are SO necessary.

In those three days, the disciples felt disillusioned-enough so that they went back to what they had been doing before they met Jesus.

For me, it is in those moments where my "hopes" end in disappointment that I realize my hope was misplaced.

It's easy to do. It's human to do.

I'm like the disciples, waiting for Israel to be restored to power and position. Only I'm waiting for the happy endings and the peace and prosperity that hasn't been promised in this life.

Jesus called his followers to deny themselves, to take up their cross daily, and follow Him.

But the days between the cross and the resurrection were necessary in order that false hopes could be laid to rest.  It's difficult and painful to see even false hopes be taken and shown for what they really are.  It leaves things dark, still, and quiet.

You're left with the realization that it isn't where you expected to be. It's not going how you thought it would go.  It's darker and harder than you thought.

This dark and quiet place is where true hope enters....soft and gentle at first, growing brighter and brighter with each moment. True hope burns strong and steady. It brings with it a new light, which shines upon your situation and shows it for what it really is.

That moment-the awareness of the resurrection of Jesus Christ-that changes every. single. thing. 

The ground shaking. The stone, rolled away.  Empty tomb. Grave clothes neatly folded.

One of my favorite Veggie Tale songs says:

There is nothing left to fear

Nothing heaven knows

For He died for us to give us life....

And to give us hope He rose.

With Jesus' death on the cross, He canceled our debt of sin, and freed us from the penalty that was meant to be ours.  But even at the cross, with sin covered in Christ's blood, we are still left in a world where it doesn't always go the right way.  

But in those next three days, in the quiet, dark places, He was at work. He was freeing us from every false hope. He went down into the depths of the darkest, most terrifying enemy-death, and the ultimate separation from the Father's presence. 

And in victory, He presented that great enemy as disarmed and defeated.  He appeared to the disillusioned men and infused their lives with a power from above, a power that transformed these men into trustworthy messengers, ready to die in this life because of the hope they had for the next one.

And so, the moment we learned of Elijah's cancer changed our life forever.  But during this time of year, even that difficult moment is overshadowed by the hope of another. The moment that Jesus conquered death and purchased a hope that cannot be stolen, shaken, or laid to rest.

There may be more dark and hard moments ahead. In fact, I can guarantee that there are because Jesus Himself said, "In this world you will have trouble."

And then He said, "BUT be of good cheer (take heart!). I have overcome the world."

Easter morning has always been one of my absolute favorites. The dark of night gives way to the coming light....and the darkness cannot stop it.

Every Easter sunrise is bursting with the hopeful reminder that His Kingdom is coming in its fullness.  Every sorrow will be washed away, all the wrong made right.  Even in the dark and quiet moments, He is at work.  My heart needs to be reminded that the life to come is just as real, more beautiful, and even more powerful than the disappointment I may face now.  

The Light is pushing back the darkness.

So. I may not have all the details of my trip to New York figured out, besides the fact that I need to be on a plane Monday morning.  

But what I do know is more important.

HE IS COMING.  When Jesus returns, He will set things right, and fulfill the hope that he purchased by conquering death.  He is preparing a place for us.

He IS RISEN.

He is risen, indeed!!!!