Monday, April 13, 2015

The Dark of Night

I feel like I've done pretty well staying away from the what-if's... I try to discipline my mind and stick to what is true and in front of me.

But Tuesday night, the night Ezra was admitted at CHLA, was a dark night. We were pretty exhausted. I had already been running around with all kinds of appointments, and all I had to go on was:
Ezra's lymph nodes were REALLY swollen
He didn't have a high fever of any kind, or a sore throat at all (which would normally be present with a bacterial OR a viral infection)
His lumps didn't hurt and weren't tender
We hadn't been around cats or any other animals for that matter
No one else in our home was showing any symptoms of sickness
Six days of antibiotics had made no difference

It probably didn't help that at the emergency room check in station, they asked, "So why is he here?" 
And as I turned to show them his neck they all said in shock, "Oh!"
And then, the nurse brought in a nursing student and said, "Is it okay if she comes and feels his lymph nodes? We don't really see this very often...."

And, I know I am not a radiologist, but I saw the CT scan pictures and all I could see was his neck and then two or three white masses...with no one to interpret for me.

So, as I finally laid my head down on the pillow that night, the temptation came. "What if I have two kids with cancer?  Is that even possible??"

I literally had to sit there and tell myself: you can NOT diagnose lymphoma with a CT scan.  I know this. I read this. So, those white spots cannot automatically mean anything super bad....

It's funny how things seem more scary in the night. That night was the hardest moment so far. That was definitely an "I can't do this moment."  But. There are some times, some moments, when all you can do is hang on. You can't fathom what is on the other side of it all, and you don't even know if you'll make it to the other side. But you hang on.

I had been hanging on. But that night, the Lord reminded me that even when I am empty, and I don't think I can hang on for one more second....
Well. Even then, He is hanging on to me.

"Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." (Psalms 30:5 NKJV)

Ezra, by the way, is doing much better and on his way back to his "usual" self.;-)

1 comment:

sally clarkson said...

Sweet friend, I understand how you feel. I had so many dark long nights in the hospital and at home with my children who always had unusual problems. May he give you rest hope friends who will help you and Joy deep down in your heart as you walk this difficult road. Love you.