Towards the beginning of this year, Ben and I were wrestling with the question of our family size. We felt God drawing us into unity, asking us to trust Him with this area of our life yet again. We heard Him, in His glorious light, ask us to trust Him in seeing if He might have another precious, eternal soul to entrust to our family. In beautiful faith, God planted in our hearts the vision of enlarging our family.
Well. Fast forward awhile, and I'm on the couch, more sick than I have ever been during pregnancy. I watch as the chaos seems to take over, my poor husband runs almost ragged doing what I know is my job! I watch, heart breaking, as war and chaos and screaming have seemed to break out in every corner, and I begin to let doubt creep in. I wonder if any character could possibly be growing in this mess. I wonder if we were just wrong and irresponsible like people seem to think we are. I can't see how this could possibly be what is good and best for our family....
But then. The roots of faith pull me back to what is true, and I remember. I remember what God taught me so faithfully the last two years,
"There's always more going on than what you can see."
I remember that my stuggle is not against a 5 year old who won't obey or a 3 year old who screams and kicks. No. My struggle is NOT against flesh and blood. There is a heavenly war raging in the realm that I can't always see. And even though I can't stand up on two feet and I can't move sometimes, and even though I never, ever wanted to be mothering from the couch!!!!!
I CAN STILL FIGHT.
THEY NEED ME TO FIGHT.
They need me to PRAY.
No eloquent words needed.
"Lord, have mercy on us!" is sufficient.
I may not have a clear thought in the day because the sickness brings such a fog. But I can utter the desperate cries of a momma who just needs more grace, more mercy from heaven, more Jesus....
I can still hold out God's Word before them as a beacon of light and truth. It is not just the "standard" that we live by....it is the bread that sustains us.It is the nourishment that keeps us living and breathing.
I may not FEEL like I have much to offer these precious ones in this season. But, by God's grace, if I live with FAITH in what God planted, if I hold fast to what He told us in the LIGHT....then that gift is enough for today.
It may get more dark and difficult. It may get messy. It may even look like it's whithering in the heat.
But by faith...we pray that what God brings up out of the soil, which He planted by faith, will surprise us all with its beauty.