People often think that I am "a natural" when it comes to being a mom. I am actually not sure what that means-maybe they think I just love cleaning up poop explosions, that I naturally love to function on very little sleep, and that patience waits nicely in my heart to show itself throughout the day.
Oh, that it were true...
What IS true? Well, I am a nerdy bookworm. I love studying God's Word, and reading great books. I literally have to pry myself away from studying or reading each morning to start our day. I have to move 1 study Bible, 1 study book, a commentary, two notebooks, any books I am reading, and various writing tools just to make our bed in the morning.(TRUE CONFESSIONS: that is IF I make our bed!!) I love drinking coffee (decaf!) and enjoying God's creation. I enjoy exercising. I love great food, and I enjoy cooking. I love people, especially in small group sizes. I like things neat and tidy. Messes make me feel chaotic inside. When things don't make sense to my organized brain, I feel anxious until I "figure it out". I like quiet (I have "bionic" hearing, so loud noises really hurt my ears.) I am a "loner." I have lots of acquaintances but very few friends.
I love the Lord. I cannot live without loving Him (from my favorite, "Hind's Feet..."). Reading God's Word is like treasure hunting. I love reading books that cause me to think high thoughts about God, that elevate my thinking and cause me to dwell upon the goodness of my God. I believe that my purpose is to join Christ in His work of creating a lasting legacy, carving out a special bride for Himself. I am not passionate about homeschooling (SHOCKER, I know!!), but I am passionate about discipleship, and homeschooling just happens to be the best way for our family to go about it. I love God's story in history, science, English, even math, and especially His word, and I love getting to share that with my kids everyday. I believe that discipleship is costly and requires ridiculous amounts of time. I believe that God means what He says-you reap what you sow. I believe that when people need a resource, and they call me, I can give whatever I have to them joyfully, trusting God to meet the needs of my soul. I have seen over and over again, that when I am lonely, God is faithful to bring someone alongside me at just that right moment, that I can reach out to, and find comfort in. I know that God has given me a really special friendship with my husband. He's feisty, but he's my best friend. I have the most generous mom, who knows just the right time for "coffee breaks", or when to pick up 5 extra boxes of cereal at the grocery store. I do adore nursing a tiny, little baby.
But what is really true... is that I affectionately call marriage and motherhood "the slow death of myself." I mess it up all the time. I need to be reassured often that I am not totally ruining my children. I run to Christ for grace to cover my mistakes. I am certain that the only thing coming "naturally" to me is sin, anger, frustration, impatience, and selfishness.
"Yet this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!'" (Lame. 3:21-24)