Broken

I woke up early Friday morning to the feeling of pain flooding my lower back.  I am fairly accustomed to this pain, having had back trouble for the last 6 years or so. The original injury came 9 years ago, when I slipped on the ice of the mountains while pregnant and carrying a toddler. The bulged disc in my back will surprise me at times by claiming the use of my body at random intervals.

The last few times haven't been quite so bad. I can usually get by with ice, a few chiropractor visits, sometimes some deep tissue massage, and a couple of down days.

This time it is worse. My dear teenager drove me down to the chiropractor and my mom stayed with the kids. Unfortunately, they couldn't do too much in the way of adjustment because of how tight things are and the level of pain I'm experiencing.

The timing is....difficult. Although, I'm not sure there is ever a great time for a mom of seven kids to have her back go out.

 ;-).

In two weeks, I'm supposed to be flying to NY with Elijah. After the long drive out and difficulty in figuring out the details....our plan moving forward was for Ben to be with the kids here while I took Elijah to NY. We know that my back is an issue, but since it had been doing okay, we thought perhaps I would be strong enough to make the trip on my own.  Honestly, I don't know what to make of all the details of the upcoming trip.  It will work out one way or another. 

But it got me thinking....

Loss, in general, is like what's happening with my back.  Whether it's the loss of a child, a spouse, a marriage, a way of life, a home, a country, an eye, or just the way you thought it was going to go....it leaves us broken.

There's a dull and constant ache that never goes away. And on top of that, there are those moments where the pain rears up and shoots through you with electrifying power, making you wonder if you can withstand it.

There are a multitude of solutions this world would offer in attempts to dull our ability to feel the brokenness. But they can never heal.  Only Jesus can do that.

The pain has a purpose, though. That dull aching is meant to serve as a reminder that something isn't right (and to tell you when you need to slow down!). And the jolts of pain that come when you move in certain ways remind you that you can't slap on a smile and pretend to be un-broken.

And while it is human to have discouragement, and depression tempt you and beckon to you in your broken state....they are not the final word.

The HOPE of the follower of Christ is that He has paved the pathway to healing. He made it possible through His death on the cross and His resurrection from the dead. But He didn't forge this pathway by avoiding pain; He willingly subjected Himself to loss and brokenness...because it was the only way to purchase our healing.

I'm like a scared little sheep, flailing on my back wondering when the pain will end. And I don't have an answer. But I know this. My Shepherd is not one to leave a sheep behind. 

I asked Him this morning, "What USE (VALUE) is a momma with seven kids who can't even get up???"

Instantly, I saw the beautiful wild flowers swaying in the wind, offering up sweet praise and worship to the Lord.  And the gentle rebuke to my question became clear: we humans measure everything in usefulness and productivity. But praise be to God!!! I was made to worship Him!!! And although it is not, perhaps, the platform of my choosing....I can worship Him just as sweetly from the couch.  My brokenness spills out as an offering and things happen in the heavenly realm.

Our brokenness is really a declaration of His wholeness, His goodness, His ability to do what I cannot.  So today, I'm "broken." But my eyes can see the day when brokenness is swallowed up in healing. 

Come. Lord. Jesus. 

5 "But he was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.
6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away.
    We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him
    the sins of us all." Isaiah 53:5-6