People often think that I am "a natural" when it comes to being a mom. I am actually not sure what that means-maybe they think I just love cleaning up poop explosions, that I naturally love to function on very little sleep, and that patience waits nicely in my heart to show itself throughout the day.
Oh, that it were true...
What IS true? Well, I am a nerdy bookworm. I love studying God's Word, and reading great books. I literally have to pry myself away from studying or reading each morning to start our day. I have to move 1 study Bible, 1 study book, a commentary, two notebooks, any books I am reading, and various writing tools just to make our bed in the morning.(TRUE CONFESSIONS: that is IF I make our bed!!) I love drinking coffee (decaf!) and enjoying God's creation. I enjoy exercising. I love great food, and I enjoy cooking. I love people, especially in small group sizes. I like things neat and tidy. Messes make me feel chaotic inside. When things don't make sense to my organized brain, I feel anxious until I "figure it out". I like quiet (I have "bionic" hearing, so loud noises really hurt my ears.) I am a "loner." I have lots of acquaintances but very few friends.
BUT....
I love the Lord. I cannot live without loving Him (from my favorite, "Hind's Feet..."). Reading God's Word is like treasure hunting. I love reading books that cause me to think high thoughts about God, that elevate my thinking and cause me to dwell upon the goodness of my God. I believe that my purpose is to join Christ in His work of creating a lasting legacy, carving out a special bride for Himself. I am not passionate about homeschooling (SHOCKER, I know!!), but I am passionate about discipleship, and homeschooling just happens to be the best way for our family to go about it. I love God's story in history, science, English, even math, and especially His word, and I love getting to share that with my kids everyday. I believe that discipleship is costly and requires ridiculous amounts of time. I believe that God means what He says-you reap what you sow. I believe that when people need a resource, and they call me, I can give whatever I have to them joyfully, trusting God to meet the needs of my soul. I have seen over and over again, that when I am lonely, God is faithful to bring someone alongside me at just that right moment, that I can reach out to, and find comfort in. I know that God has given me a really special friendship with my husband. He's feisty, but he's my best friend. I have the most generous mom, who knows just the right time for "coffee breaks", or when to pick up 5 extra boxes of cereal at the grocery store. I do adore nursing a tiny, little baby.
But what is really true... is that I affectionately call marriage and motherhood "the slow death of myself." I mess it up all the time. I need to be reassured often that I am not totally ruining my children. I run to Christ for grace to cover my mistakes. I am certain that the only thing coming "naturally" to me is sin, anger, frustration, impatience, and selfishness.
"Yet this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!'" (Lame. 3:21-24)
6 comments:
I expanded a bit on what I have been pondering of late...hope vs despair...there is always a temptation to give in to despair because it's easy and yet it is exhausting and breeds wrong thinking and encourages bad choices that in time serve to confirm our despair. Choosing hope sometimes fights against all the world would have us believe, against even our own self imposed expectations, against the patterns of own history and yet in hope there is freedom in hope there's rest there is healing, right thinking, comfort, even joy and there is peace.
So I choose hope. I choose Jesus. I choose to do the only work God wants from me - to believe in the one He has sent. (John 6:29) for He alone has been my hope (psalm 71:5) and He has always been more than enough. Happy Monday Xoxo Kari
ps-love your heart for Christ :)
Ahh! I love this post! Love your honesty- it helps me to know that I'm not the only mom out there that worries she is screwing up her kids. And I think if you are worried about screwing up your kids, (from what I can tell: you are doing an excellent job!) then my own fears must be unfounded too.
I pray almost every night for God to help me be the best mom for each of my kids individually, and to fill in the gaps where I fail. Thank goodness we have Him!
I loved this...the honesty. Thanks for sharing your true heart.
Hi Lisa! I have never read your blog before. We have only crossed paths a few times, but from what I read here today, I can see we are much more a like than I was aware of. I have 4 children, I love God's word and reading anything that redirects me to His truth. I have stacks of books that come with me from room to room. I love people, but most comfortable in small groups, homeschooling the way to keep the Word in all we do. Differences, I am older, my kids are much older, I didn't learn the discipleship truth sooner, we are reaping, but God's grace is sufficient. 2 down (graduated), 2 to go. (that stage of training anyway, all boys so college, jobs and dating on the next subject on the books) Everyday, through my actions and my great need for more than anything of this world can offer, I witness my own sin and need for a Savior, thank God I have one. My hope is large because my faith is large, but, at times, it seems my hope is "deferred and my heart grows sick." Gratefully, it doesn't end with my failure, JESUS meets, where I am, and redirects me to THE HOPE that is the same yesterday, today and forever. Thank you for sharing. you are a GEM, I miss you and your gentle ways. Blessings, Kim
beautifully written post. I love how honest and open you are. You are the best mom for those kids even in your flaws that is what I have to remind myself about my crew often!
I stumbled upon your blog this afternoon and I just wanted to say that I love your post! It sounds like you and I have so much in common and that is such a welcome bit of knowledge - I am not alone! Thank you for being so open and honest :) I just recently started my own blog, maybe you can mosey over one day :)
http://wecandoittrialanderror.blogspot.com
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